Lately, I have been plotting. This is one of my favourite things to do. I write lists and I make ENORMOUS plans. Following through is this whole other thing that I haven’t quite mastered but in the meantime, you guys should know that I make the most excellent plans.
My various plots have taken on some urgency recently because at the end of this year, I become a graduate and I enter this alternate universe that I’ve heard people whispering about: a mythical “Real World.” I don’t know entirely what this means. I remember being told that I would be a part of it when I left primary school, then warned again when I left high school. I can only assume my invite got lost in the mail because I’m apparently still not there.
There has, unfortunately, been some trouble with one rebellious Real World plan. I tried to make all the part-plans equal a full-plan and then I realised this amounted to me attempting maths and I became frightened. Why does maths even exist? I bet people in the Real World don’t use maths. The plan seemed so simple: I begin with no monies, then I get some monies, then I spend my monies on a ride on a jetplane to the Real World. I tried to put it all together, part one got added to part two, but for some unknown reason I was not embarking on part three. My brain pickled and I think something popped. I wanted to go to the Real World so very badly, where you could be whatever you wanted to be. I imagined you flew there on a jetplane that thought it was David Bowie and sometimes the clouds ate each other.
Then it dawned on me. I needed to actually find the monies before I could spend the monies and this would require some more planning. I struggled quite a lot in the beginning and then the ideas started forming and jostling for attention. Of course I had to dismiss the first few because they were just silly. No one MAKES monies, I said to them, go away. Eventually, I narrowed down the field to three plans so amazing I couldn’t believe they had eluded me for so long.
PLAN UNO: Dig Holes. Find Monies.
The first plan, while brilliant, was slightly flawed. I reached about day seventeen before total mania set in. I can’t be certain exactly what day it was because I lost consciousness before the digging finished. When I awoke, I had dug myself into a corner (of sorts) and was forced to evacuate to China.
Things learned: It is possible to breach the walls of both sanity and insanity.
PLAN DOS: Find Leprechauns. Find Monies.
I really thought this was the one that would work. I got myself a butterfly net and waited at the window for a rainbow to appear. I was just settling into a comfortable position when a lady went past me with a leprechaun in a pram. I didn’t understand, but I wasn’t about to question this gift from fate. I ran down the street, beat the lady with the end of my butterfly net and triumphantly claimed my leprechaun. As I was running away with it under my arm, it started crying and dribbling. I made the mistake of pausing to try and make it stop, and when I loosened my grip its little leprechaun paws sneaked out of its constraints. Before I could do anything to protect myself, it giggled and touched me with its sticky little hand. Unable to take anymore, I abandoned it on the side of the road and ran home. Plan two had failed.
Things learned: Leprechauns are wily and should be approached with caution.
PLAN TRES: Touch Bums. Find Wallets. Find Monies.
With just one plan left, I was getting desperate. I forgot to plan for my plan and when a bum next walked past me, I rashly reached out to touch it forgetting that it was attached to a human. The human got rather angry that I was molesting him and when I tried to explain I had only been looking for monies, his face turned into a plum. Having no desire to see what happened when a head became a plum, I ran away and cried because after so much planning and a perfect execution, I still had no monies. How would I ever get on the David Bowie aeroplane?
Important lesson learned: other people’s monies not also, logically, ergo my monies. And bums aren’t just there for touching.
Alas, I still have not found any monies. I don’t know if they will let me into the Real World without them but I’m going to draft a letter asking for an extension. Hopefully one day the Real World will let me join and I’ll hand over my monies for admission but, if I’m quite honest, I don’t know if it’s all it’s cracked up to be with a price so high.
Love Claire x